What I plan to write here is a whole series of texts about coming out of abuse – about how to come out of chronic abuse. I will follow a path I followed, and a path that you as the reader may wish to follow. But, I plan to be measured and not jump in with easy or quick answers. I plan to build a system for understanding the self in terms of its structure and to set out a process whereby we can come out of the abuse we may find ourselves experiencing, perhaps chronically with one person or sequentially with a series of people.
Have you ever read one of those so-called self-help books about coming out of abuse where the author recounts a sad tale of how so-and-so abused them and about how they started to recognise the processes of abuse and how they saw the abuser in their true light. Great, perhaps. But, then, things move on and they start to say that they are not perhaps in themselves perfect but they are pretty close to. All the abuse inflicted on them was a heinous crime and they may even make it clear who their abuser was or even their abusers. And, things can get worse. They often go on to say that they met a new person and their lives are now pretty much bliss and they bring bliss to all those around them. They have a halo of self-satisfaction. There was nothing wrong in them, they are near-perfect. All that was needed was to find a new partner who could see and relate to their near-perfection. And what of their old abusers? – Well, they’re just bad, evil – they just had to be ditched and held up for judgement and rebuke. They deserve no care, no respect, no last strands of liking. Are you noticing something? Yes, the abused has become abuser. It’s a power game of who can stand higher than the other in the world of contemporaries, of friends, of social contacts of readers.
The plan revisited
In this, my series of texts here, I plan to build gradually and carefully a way of understanding the self whereby the abused can come of out of abuse not on the basis of varnished ego but on the basis of a clear understanding of themselves. They can then undertake a process of rethinking and renewal that is entirely within their ever more whole self. No one needs to have the finger pointed at them too much, no one needs to be hung out to dry and no one needs to be found, no pot of gold needs to be taken, to complete the self. The self is its own completion. The abused may not be perfect in the process of coming out of abuse – it’s very hard to be perfect and may not always be the best plan – but, as much as possible, to come out of abuse wholly and thoroughly you need not just to do that but also not to get locked into an abuse scenario where you are the inflicter and not just the inflicted and where you can perhaps gradually and carefully enable others to come out of abuse, even perhaps your own abuser(s).
Are you ready to come out of abuse, whether as sufferer or implementer? If yes, please read on.